I found this challenge on Twitter via someones tweet and I decided that I would take up this challenge. I've missed the expressive outlet that blogging allows me. A chance to vent and just let it all out. I have to admit I have some ambivalence about being too open; being vulnerable but that segues nicely into...
"Day 1: Something I hate about myself."
Why do I care what YOU think about me? It seems I have lived the better part of my life worrying about what was thought of me by those I love and those I could care less about, equally. I suppose everyone has a need to feel accepted but I would venture to say that I have, to my own detriment, allowed other people's opinions to dictate my position, stance or direction.
To say I loathe this about myself would be a major understatement. I seethe with hatred at this attribute of my personality. I believe it stems from a my desire to be a people pleaser. Strangely, enough this is not a trait of my astrological birth sign, Scorpio... or is it?
At any rate this is what immediately came to mind when I looked at today's challenge topic. **heavy sigh**
Shakespeare said "... this above all, to thine ownself; be true" and this stands in stark contrast to my being true to myself. So today I will figuratively and ceremoneously cut the "I give a fuck strings"...what's the worst that could happen? *shrugs and bites nails*
Day 2: Something I Love About Myself
“Compassion will cure more sins than condemnation.” - Henry Ward Beecher
“Compassion is sometimes the fatal capacity for feeling what it is like to live inside somebody else's skin. It is the knowledge that there can never really be any peace and joy for me until there is peace and joy finally for you too.” - Frederick Buechner
Two great quotes, if I say so myself. I wish I could come up with something brilliant and insightful to add to those to but I digress and give you this, my soliloquy.
I love the depth of my compassion. It’s not an innate ability; it was developed over many, many, many years of active listening. An ability I believe that a lot of people (at least in the network of individuals around me) never seem to fully achieve development of.
I recall an exchange with a friend when I was in about 6th grade, I said something in a feeble attempt at humor to lighten a somber mood that seriously backfired. I won’t go into detail just because it was in bad judgment then as would be now to talk about it (or maybe I’m still just a tad bit embarrassed for make an jack-ass of myself, either way…).
I learned that by actively listening it became easy for me to put myself into someone else's shoes and though that has caused me some grief from time to time, I wouldn’t have it any other way after all; when people ask “What Would Jesus Do”, I know that he would act from a position of compassion; so I’m in good company.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
For some reason upon reading this one a heavy veil of "ugh" came upon. A million things just ran through my head in the blink of an eye. Not because I harbor some deep-seeded guilty or shame but because all of those flashbacks stem from one quickly identifiable or perceived weakness; rather lack of strength.
Like anyone I'm probably my own worst critic but you'd never know it because I don't exude a downtrodden, defeated attitude, when you see me more likely than not I'm smiling... I speak life and prosperity. I'm quick to encourage and slow to judge; however, I get tired spiritually speaking. It usually takes me quite a bit of time to recharge mentally.
Psychologically, I really beat myself up over not have "the strength" (applicably) for whatever shortcomings I may have even if Moses and Mohammad themselves could not have accomplished it. I would still find a way to find fault or blame myself for not being strong enough. *tsk, tsk, tsk*
And this is what I need to forgive myself. No one can be everything all the time for everyone.
Day 4: Something I have to forgive someone for.
This one's short, quick and to the point. I have to forgive Jody; for allowing me to fool myself into believing it could have been more than it ever could have. Love is a dangerous game when played by a fool.
Not liking this "challenge" right about now... (stomps off stage; exits to the left).
Day 5: Something I hope to do in life.
(Hell, succeed?)
No seriously, succeed. Of course success is a variable and relative term to the masses. I just want to be successful by my own rights and by my own definition. Which means that I want to be the best parent, spouse (s/o), and provider possible.
There was a time when I believed that success was measured by more materialistic things. However, as I have matured I believe less and less in the vanity-laden material trappings of what's considered wealth and am more grounded in the those things that I feel enrich my life and my experiences.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't refuse a windfall *nudges Murphy [Law] and Karma* but am content with the simpler things and I'd like to think that I wouldn't change my outlook if I were to become monetarily compensated vis-a-vie some miracle. I surely WOULD NOT rebuke it. Hallelujah! (LOL).
This one's short, quick and to the point. I have to forgive Jody; for allowing me to fool myself into believing it could have been more than it ever could have. Love is a dangerous game when played by a fool.
Not liking this "challenge" right about now... (stomps off stage; exits to the left).
Day 5: Something I hope to do in life.
(Hell, succeed?)
No seriously, succeed. Of course success is a variable and relative term to the masses. I just want to be successful by my own rights and by my own definition. Which means that I want to be the best parent, spouse (s/o), and provider possible.
There was a time when I believed that success was measured by more materialistic things. However, as I have matured I believe less and less in the vanity-laden material trappings of what's considered wealth and am more grounded in the those things that I feel enrich my life and my experiences.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't refuse a windfall *nudges Murphy [Law] and Karma* but am content with the simpler things and I'd like to think that I wouldn't change my outlook if I were to become monetarily compensated vis-a-vie some miracle. I surely WOULD NOT rebuke it. Hallelujah! (LOL).
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
I am somewhat superstitious. I don't believe in tempting fate. I'm skipping this one. Up next... Day 7: (which I guess replace Day 6, or something like that.)
Day 07 — Someone who has made your life worth living for.
This one is a no-brainer for me but I can't narrow it down to just one. The someone's are my mini me's and the joy's of my life. The oldest is 15, the next is 7 and youngest is 8 mos.
Before my last child was born, I had a miscarriage. His or her name would have been Jared or Mia. Rest in peace my sleeping angel.
I determined; rather discovered a long time ago that my oldest exhibited my heart, compassion; sensitivity of emotion. When she was small you could barely raise you voice above a whisper when speaking to her because she startle easily or think you were yelling at her. So glad she is growing and maturing; facing her challenges head on and head strong.
My middle child has my fortitude and resolve, my fire and will. She has my inquisitive nature of science, especially astronomy. SN: For as long as I can remember I wanted to an astronaut until I witnessed the Challenger explosion in the skies over Melbourne, Florida. That dreams was not only deferred but tabled indefinitely She has yet to learn to temper all that energy and wield into drive but I have no doubt that she will master it in time.
My lil man... I'm excited to see what if his little personality will be. I already know that he's full energy (somebody should have told me...) and happy. I just pray he stays that way.
Day 08 — Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit
Alexander James Hawkins Smith... you want his social security too? #Memba back on Day 2: I spoke of my compassion and how it has caused me grief from time to time... well I present to you Exhibit A: Mr. Smith (as he will be referred to hereafter IF I'm able to maintain my composure) was once married to a relative and as with most unions procreated resulting in several offspring. Excluding all the sordid details that lead up to the "living hell" and "shit-like" treatment. It basically boils down to when compassion is over extended and goes hella HELLA wrong!
I loaned this... this... *signs the holy trinity* person a sizable chunk of change to pay back taxes on a home he owns and was living in at the time with small children that was about to be foreclosed upon. This was in 2006... it is now (looks at the calendar/clock) four years, one month and 10 days, fourteen hours and 36 mins outstanding and long the fu... overdue.
When I tell you this one action branched out into all types of hell #ikidyouNOT. Family members assumed that because I tried to help out, that there must have been MORE to the situation. Nevermind the fact the children couldn't fend for themselves... and no one else was attempting to be part of a solution for our smallest relatives.
(heavy sigh of discontentment and disgust)
I can't stand for people to put their low-moral having ass-attributes off on someone else. Ultimately, I guess it's my fault after all it's said that "no good deed, goes unpunished" and "the road to hell IS paved with good intentions."
Damn it. All.
Day 09 — Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Strangely and oddly this one was a former co-worker of mine. An older lady whom I'd come to know and value her opinion of life's rollercoaster. She had the longest, prettiest salt and pepper hair.
She used to advise me on all manner of things regarding family, friends, love, etc. A wealth of wisdom embodied, she was.
Have you ever known someone that lies and embellishes things just for the sake of... I don't know, breathing? Well a mutual acquaintance came to me with some information about someone close to her. I believe that this was the catalyst that began our drifting apart. I spoke to her about it and sure enough THIS time the town idiot was telling the truth. Never did I imagine that what I revealed to her could have been remotely true but sure enough the next day she confirmed it.
I think she was ashamed to have found out about it that way, from me... vicariously through the town idiot. Turns my stomach whenever I think of it. Things were never the same after that. I went to her on a couple of occasions to try to remedy the situation; apologizing, sadly to no avail. Just couldn't get back to the place where we were. So I told myself that if she'd rather not be friends; at least we can still be cordial. Or so I thought.
Weeks passed by and her "hi's" and "hello's" seemed to be more and more forced (from my perception) until they all but stopped. She outright began to ignore me and my attempts to speak.
I had to come to terms with that... count to ten, so-to-speak. There wasn't anything I could do change what had transpired; or her feeling about it or me. One thing is for certain I regret I ever opened my mouth. I'm sorry (if) I hurt her.
She retired probably 6 mos after all that went down. I often think of her and how she may doing. I hope she's well.
Day 08 — Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit
Alexander James Hawkins Smith... you want his social security too? #Memba back on Day 2: I spoke of my compassion and how it has caused me grief from time to time... well I present to you Exhibit A: Mr. Smith (as he will be referred to hereafter IF I'm able to maintain my composure) was once married to a relative and as with most unions procreated resulting in several offspring. Excluding all the sordid details that lead up to the "living hell" and "shit-like" treatment. It basically boils down to when compassion is over extended and goes hella HELLA wrong!
I loaned this... this... *signs the holy trinity* person a sizable chunk of change to pay back taxes on a home he owns and was living in at the time with small children that was about to be foreclosed upon. This was in 2006... it is now (looks at the calendar/clock) four years, one month and 10 days, fourteen hours and 36 mins outstanding and long the fu... overdue.
When I tell you this one action branched out into all types of hell #ikidyouNOT. Family members assumed that because I tried to help out, that there must have been MORE to the situation. Nevermind the fact the children couldn't fend for themselves... and no one else was attempting to be part of a solution for our smallest relatives.
(heavy sigh of discontentment and disgust)
I can't stand for people to put their low-moral having ass-attributes off on someone else. Ultimately, I guess it's my fault after all it's said that "no good deed, goes unpunished" and "the road to hell IS paved with good intentions."
Damn it. All.
Day 09 — Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Strangely and oddly this one was a former co-worker of mine. An older lady whom I'd come to know and value her opinion of life's rollercoaster. She had the longest, prettiest salt and pepper hair.
She used to advise me on all manner of things regarding family, friends, love, etc. A wealth of wisdom embodied, she was.
Have you ever known someone that lies and embellishes things just for the sake of... I don't know, breathing? Well a mutual acquaintance came to me with some information about someone close to her. I believe that this was the catalyst that began our drifting apart. I spoke to her about it and sure enough THIS time the town idiot was telling the truth. Never did I imagine that what I revealed to her could have been remotely true but sure enough the next day she confirmed it.
I think she was ashamed to have found out about it that way, from me... vicariously through the town idiot. Turns my stomach whenever I think of it. Things were never the same after that. I went to her on a couple of occasions to try to remedy the situation; apologizing, sadly to no avail. Just couldn't get back to the place where we were. So I told myself that if she'd rather not be friends; at least we can still be cordial. Or so I thought.
Weeks passed by and her "hi's" and "hello's" seemed to be more and more forced (from my perception) until they all but stopped. She outright began to ignore me and my attempts to speak.
I had to come to terms with that... count to ten, so-to-speak. There wasn't anything I could do change what had transpired; or her feeling about it or me. One thing is for certain I regret I ever opened my mouth. I'm sorry (if) I hurt her.
She retired probably 6 mos after all that went down. I often think of her and how she may doing. I hope she's well.
1 comment:
The irony that I didn't complete this challenge.
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